PART 1

 I recently completed a certification class to work with sex addicts and their families - it’s an issue I am passionate about and one that is growing. So, I’ve decided to commit all of my blog posts for November to this subject (guess that means I better write more than one!). Though this problem has existed for quite some time, I continue to be amazed at the number of people struggling with it. What’s more, it seems that the use of pornography and various other methods of feeding sex addiction are becoming more socially accepted as a way keep things diverse or exciting. Unfortunately, I believe our society is choosing to ignore the extreme negative impact this problem has on our ability to maintain healthy relationships. 

Sex Addiction is defined by the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity as:

 ”engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.”(2)  Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.(5)” 

The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health states that 3% - 5% of the U.S. population suffers from sexual compulsion disorders. Keep in mind that this estimate is on the low side because it is based only on those who seek help and many do not.

According to this article from myaddiction.com, because of the availability of pornography on the internet, 

“it is thought that pornography addiction is a form of sexual addiction that is both easier to pursue and less expensive. The tracking data from 2010 by Nielsen Online showed that more than 25% of those with Internet access at work viewed pornography during working hours. This is an increase from 2007 figures.”

With the accessibility factor AND the acceptance of pornography in our society as a “norm”, I can only imagine how disconnected and relationally dysfunctional our society will be in another decade. Ultimately, I think the first step to dealing with these growing numbers is to educate people about this addiction in a way that offers understanding and insight into what constitutes an addiction and why people people are being drawn to it. 

I’ve talked a LOT about attachment (here) and this issue is another one that is closely connected with insecure attachment. It is likely, at some point in a sex addicts life, the message was sent that they were not valued, important or accepted for who they are. On top of that, sex addiction is one that comes with an enormous amount of shame and guilt. Because many have not learned to feel safe sharing emotions (and it’s not like our society prizes being vulnerable and genuine) they shove them down deep and try to find other ways to cope. Sex addiction is one of those ways. 

For fear of losing you, I’ll stop here. More to come - including understanding the experience for spouses of addicts (very important and sometimes overlooked). 

If you or someone you know struggles with this addiction, I encourage you to seek out a counselor who specializes or is in the process or receiving certification for sex addiction counseling, as well as join a 12-Step or accountability group. 

12 Step programs for Sexual Addictions are listed here

Image Credit: Lois Orosa

So, yesterday we skimmed the debate over social media and how it may effect our mental health. This is sort of a “trendy” topic right now since our culture is becoming more and more immersed in the world of iPads, Smart Phones, and other enabling gadgets. Sure, they make managing our work and life a bit easier, but they also have the ability to grab our attention over something like, I don’t know, face-to-face conversation. I mean, how many people do you know these days who check their text messages and emails in the middle of conversations? I know I am guilty! It is kind of a socially acceptable thing these days. 

That leads me to topic of the brain and how it is impacted by all this stimulation. When we are getting our google search or facebook voyeurism fix, we are stimulating the “behavior seeking chemical” in our brain called dopamine. I am sure many of you are aware of this chemical, but you may not be aware of the fact that too much of it can be a bad thing for the brain. 

 Susan Weinsschenk, Ph.D. describes the dopamine and social media connection; ”With the internet, twitter, and texting we now have almost instant gratification of our desire to seek. Want to talk to someone right away? Send a text and they respond in a few seconds. Want to look up some information? Just type it into google. What to see what your friends are up to? Go to twitter or facebook. We get into a dopamine induced loop… dopamine starts us seeking, then we get rewarded for the seeking which makes us seek more. It becomes harder and harder to stop looking at email, stop texting, stop checking our cell phones to see if we have a message or a new text.”

It makes me nervous that we can be so easily sucked in to this web (ha…get the pun?), which can become destructive - not only to relationships but to our brains. As we seek and seek, releasing more and more dopamine, there is a possibility, if we go to the extreme, to even produce holes in the brain’s prefrontal cortex.

The prefrontal cortex helps us make choices between right/wrong and good/bad, predicts future events, and executes social control — like  emotional and sexual urges. Gosh, that part of the brain does a LOT of work for us. You can imagine what a damaged prefrontal cortex might cause - poor decisions, poor insight, and less control over how we express ourselves. 

Ok, this is a lot of information I threw out and I could keep going and going but I’ll save it. I don’t want to give up all the good stuff in one day! 

The application here comes back to our need for constant and instant gratification. Our culture says we should do any and all things that make us feel good. But, what we do not realize, is that so many things, things that seem harmless, like information hunting or tweeting, can become detrimental to our functioning as human beings. It is a matter of balance and limits. In order to have those things, we have to have the ability to make healthy decisions, to have insight into how our actions will impact ourselves, others, and our future. Isn’t it interesting that these abilities are located in the very place that our seeking behavior has the potential to destroy? hhmmm.

Thoughts, feedback, discussion welcome! 

Image Credit: Thoughtcast.org

Hello Blog World. 

As a newly established Licensed Professional Counselor in the Kansas City area (find my contact info Psych Today Profile), I am constantly reading because the field of mental health is an ever-changing beast. As an information consumer and one who is passionate about education, it is only fitting that I also share what I am learning. What better way to do so than through a blog, I suppose. 

AND what better topic for my very first post than the impact of social media (facebook, twitter, linkedin, myspace, etc) on mental health.

I’ve read many articles on this topic. There is a growing concern that social media is an extension of our already addictive and overstimulated society. Along with this concern, there is debate on whether something like the overuse social media can be the cause of an issue such as addiction.

Connections are also made between the overuse of social media and ADD/ADHD, addiction, and depression. It is an interesting debate, though I tend to agree with the author on brainblogger who says in the case of social media and addiction, “My stance on addiction is that it is primarily a behavioural problem, not a problem associated with a specific substance/thing — thus, one can develop an addiction to just about anything”. 

This thinking can also be applied to issues such as ADD and ADHD - where the overuse of social media  does not necessarily cause either, but rather it enhances an already prone ADD/ADHD society.

Ultimately, we need to realize that we (and I can certainly point the finger at myself) often look for things other than our relationships and spirituality to soothe and fulfill us. Whether it is the overuse of facebook, overeating, or over-exercising, it is important to look at WHY we do the things we do. What are we really getting from this “thing” we are engaging in or with. 

We also cannot forget about the function of our brain in all of this. The level of soothing or comfort we can receive from something like the use of social media is directly related to the release of certain chemicals in our brain that make us feel good.

But, let’s just stick with this part for now. I will save the brain piece for my next post.

Until tomorrow!

Image Credit: brandonhillphotos.com

Recently, I’ve been reading a book called Passionate Marriage, by Dr. David Schnarch (along with a “fun” read - Open by Andre Agassi - whose childhood alone would give me a weeks worth of blog posts!). A colleague passed the book on to me and though I may not necessarily embrace every bit, it certainly has some great insight on the concept of differentiation and how a lack of it impacts our ability to engage in a healthy couple relationship.

For those less familiar with the term differentiation, I think Dr. David explains it best - “differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others - especially as they become increasingly important to you.“ 

This means that in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, we do not need to conform to the expectations of others in order stay closely connected with and accepted by people. Dr. David says, “When we have little differentiation…we need continual contact, validation, and consensus (or disagreement) from others. This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are in shifting or uncertain circumstances.”

Usually our lack of differentiation comes from our family of origin. Because our families have a huge part in shaping how we think, feel, and act, we tend carry these learned behaviors with us when we create our own family. 

Murray Bowen (the theorist behind this concept) describes the poorly differentiated person as one who “…depends so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that either they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform.”

Maybe some of you can relate. You are either married to this person or you ARE this person. 

What is interesting, according to Dr. David, is that we marry our emotional equals. So, this problem is not just one-sided. Most people who are poorly differentiated have a partner with a similar struggle. Neither person really took hold of his/her own unique voice growing up because of the pressure to conform, so there is little possibility that they would do the same in a romantic relationship. The result is a constant loop of trying to please the other person without really letting he or she know what you truly think and feel. This creates anxiety inside. Then, one day you look in the mirror and say to yourself, “my spouse doesn’t really even know me….I’m not even sure I know me”. 

It is such a realization that should prompt a person to go to their partner and express a desire for change. The problem is, if you’ve spent the past 10 years feeling too fearful to talk about such things, why in the world would you be able to start now? I often visualize that a wall instantly shoots up whenever a poorly differentiated person feels the push to share in a way they never have. They want to, then, BAM, they slam right into that wall over and over again. 

It takes a very brave person to admit that change needs to happen. Once there is awareness, the change becomes the responsibility of the individual (along with help from counselors, pastors, etc.). It is never too late to choose to live, relate, and communicate differently. 

Image Credit: Adam Foster

I really love learning about Attachment. It is the foundation to understanding how and why we relate to and interact with others the way we do. 

I should probably take a moment to define what this means for those who are not familiar.

There are three styles of attachment: secure attachment, anxious/ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment.

Though attachment styles are developed when we are very young, studies have determined that they help to predict our behavior later in life. 

So, what might that look like? I found this great little powerpoint which breaks down the characteristics of attachment styles in childhood and adulthood to include in a mini description for you. I like visuals, don’t you?

Let’s get started!

Attachment develops in infancy. We look to our parents to take care of our physical and emotional needs. This means they are present, accepting, and consistent in their comforting responses to us when we are in distress. This kind of experience creates a secure attachment bond, which, in turn, gives us the security to freely explore when our parent is nearby. Though we may show distress when they leave, we are able to be soothed once our parent returns. 

Anxious/ambivalent-insecure attachment develops when parents tend to be inconsistent in responses to their child’s signals of distress. Due to the inconsistency, these children tend to exaggerate attachment needs by becoming clingy when the parent is around, extremely distressed when the parent leaves, and resistant to the parent’s return. Though the child eventually reaches out to the parent, he/she has difficulty being soothed and comforted. 

Avoidant-insecure attachment is associated with a pattern of care in which the parent does not provide adequate comfort when the child is emotionally upset, ill, or hurt. Due to lack of adequate comfort, the child is minimally distressed when the parent leaves and will avoid and ignore the presence of the parent when he/she returns.

Understanding our attachment style is really the first step in moving towards changing our relational behavior. If insecure attachment is present, it is a difficult discovery, but working through it will allow you to become secure in who you are and allow others to be close to you as well. 

Image Credit: Erica Marshall

Powerpoint Credit: About.com: Psychology

Belinda Luscombe wrote an article last week in Time magazine about a 40-year-old experiment that followed 16 Norwegian couples for five years, as they shared, equally, the responsibilities of work and childcare by each working only a part-time job. One went to work, one stayed home and vice versa.  It seems after 30 years, “all couples recalled the study as a time of low stress and greater quality of life, even though they often had to forgo other amenities”.

I wonder how much this egalitarian lifestyle prolongs the positive bond between married couples. The follow-up study mentions only 3 of the 15 couples in the experiment divorced in the past 30 years. It was also noted that after the 5 year study, 9 of the couples continued the part-time work arrangement for another six years and even one couple shared a job for 30 years.

Could it be that with equal give and take, couples are able to move through their relationship with less resentment or bitterness towards one another over role expectations? Over many centuries, the expectations of our genders have remained pretty much the same - woman takes cares of kids, husband makes the money. Oh sure, we’ve come a long way from the 1950’s, but I am still amazed at how much our society continues to accept these roles without giving them a second glance or challenging them. 

While some may not mind this gender division, it seems somewhat unbalanced. I  wonder how many marriage relationships would be healthier if, generally, husbands had the opportunity to  parent and connect more with their children and wives had the time to pursue interests outside the home.  It may be that not only the couple relationship benefits from this, but certainly the children as they watch their parents share responsibilities as well as invest equally in them. 

Image Credit: daisyj85 

I watch the Today show in the mornings and I do not think there is a week that goes by when they do not address weight, food, diets, etc. on some segment or another. Weight loss is a popular topic (some may even say obsession) but so is weight gain, as the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development reported this week “Three out of four americans will be overweight or obese by 2020…”. Yikes!

I find it curious, as obsessed as our culture is about eating “right” and losing weight, we are still growing by leaps and bounds - literally. It seems to be that a few other contributing factors in the obesity epidemic are often left out (at least in the general media). Yes, eating too much of saturated, high fructose foods is certainly part of the problem, but what about the part our brain chemicals play? The issue of overeating is a complicated one that we cannot simply blame on eating too much, eating the wrong types of foods, or lack of exercise.

I wrote a research paper on this topic in grad school…so you know…I am now an expert. :-) One article, The Phenomenon of Compulsive Overeating in a Select Group of Professional Women, from the Journal of Advanced Nursing, said reasons for overeating have to do with neglect, lack of love, sexual & physical abuse, grief, protection from getting hurt. These reasons show a much deeper dynamic in play. Just like some use drugs to cope, food offers the same function. In fact, food can produce the same feeling that the reward-seeking chemical in the brain (which I talked about here), dopamine, produces. 

Medhelp.org said this about dopamine: 

“When our body has enough Dopamine we’re blessed with feelings of bliss and pleasure, euphoric, appetite control, controlled motor movements, and we feel focused. When we are low in Dopamine we feel no pleasure, our world looks colorless, we have an inability to “love”, and we have no remorse about personal behavior.”

Hmm…isn’t our society already hard-wired to constantly seek out other ways to find pleasure and euphoria? What is it about us that causes us to never be fully satisfied, never full-filled?  We look to all kinds of surface things to fix that empty feeling and they just don’t seem to do the job.

Another chemical in the brain is oxytocin. This chemical is produced when we feel trusting and liked/loved/accepted by people in our life. Oxytocin can also be produced by food. So, imagine if a person has been deeply wounded and is not able to trust or feel loved - they may find that food is a good substitute for them. Think about it - even people who are not overeaters use food as a comfort. I know many times after I’ve been upset, I think “I need chocolate, then I’ll feel better”. 

These findings on the food and brain alone make me question why we focus so much on short-term fixes to this growing epidemic. And, I am only just skimming the surface on these findings. If I were to go in to more detail - you would be scrolling down for hours. Sure, education on eating healthy and exercising are important, but if we do not seek to heal the core problem first, these other approaches will not offer a long-term fix. 

Image Credit: Brandon Hill Photos

Findings from a study on happiness reported by  Time Magazine  show that many attribute unhappiness to troubled spouse and/or working too much/not enough. 

The study finds happiness hinges on external things - like another person or a job. Does that prove that we look to the wrong thing to provide happiness? And really, how do we define happiness anyway? Our society says happiness is in wealth and material things but even the study found that those things actually DON’T making us happy - “It appears that prioritizing success and material goals is actually harmful to life-satisfaction…” Hmmm, go figure. 

As I looked in to the meaning of happiness I found webster dictionary offers 2 definitions: 

a : a state of well-being and contentment 

b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience

Webster differentiates the two by attaching the word JOY with definition a. Could it be that a state of joy is a state of being and that happiness is fleeting (we’ve all heard that, right?) - found in various experiences that offer pleasure and satisfaction? In fact, the example sentence from webster for “proper” use of the word happiness is: “her happiness was complete when she got her very own house.” And then she was unhappy…until she got a NEW car. 

Anyway, I’ve listened to a few podcasts by E. James Wilder, Ph.D. on this idea of Joy and the role it plays in our overall well-being. According to Wilder, Joy is “developed as an actual brain structure through loving relationships”. Studies have shown that when we are babies, 

 “Taste, smell and temperature determine joy bonds for the first three weeks after birth, while touch brings more joy for the second six weeks. When the visual areas of the brain mature and myelinate at three months, the eyes bring in most joy until hearing voice tones develops at 12 months of age. Each new sense brings a new source of joy for stronger bonds and greater brain development.”

In fact, as babies, we actually focus in on the left eye of our parent in order to see if they are glad to be with us. 

So, what happens if we do not sense our parents are glad to be with us?

According to this study, deprivation of joy in our parental relationship keeps parts of our brain from growing at all (specifically in the pre-frontal cortex) - causing our ability to find joy very difficult. So, Wilder says “New joy-bonded relationships are needed to stimulate the growth of replacement brain connections and circuits”. 

Wilder postulates that “Neurologically, joy means we are glad to be together”. So when we look for happiness in a job or a person who meets our expectations, maybe it is because our state of joy is missing. How can a person find joy in others or relationships, if they rarely saw that someone was glad to be with them?

Ultimately I think this kind of research helps us make sense of why many have trouble finding joy and simply live for happy experiences - which are never enough. The neurological research gives backing to the idea that we cannot just wake up one day and decide to just be glad to be in relationship with others - but that there is a process of healing that must take place through a positive relational experience. 

Image: Brandon Hill Photos